


Killing Me Softly

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: First Times, M/M, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 05:05:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim realizes some fundamentals truths about his feelings towards Blair</p>
            </blockquote>





	Killing Me Softly

**Author's Note:**

> I blame this totally on Francesca. If she hadn't written her Tahiti PWP, then I wouldn't have had to send her a LoC and I wouldn't have had this song run through my head and then the boys wouldn't have started yammering at me. See, it's not my fault. **G**

## Killing Me Softly

by JadeRyan

Author's webpage: <http://members.tripod.com/~JadeRyan>

Author's disclaimer: They belong to Pet Fly. They don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for a bit. I promise to return them in better condition then they were in when I got them. 

* * *

He looked over at his partner. Blair was already grinning like he knew some great cosmic secret but wasn't going to share. Jim wondered again why he had agreed to come with Blair to see one of his fellow TA's sing. The bar they were at was dark, gloomy, and full of people. Not exactly how Jim had planned to spend his night off. Blair caught him looking at him and smiled, raising his eyebrows at the same time. 

"Pretty cool, huh?" 

"If you say so, Chief. So what's with you and this girl?" 

"Nothing, man. I swear. She's just a friend from the U. She asked me to be here. I guess it's for moral support. I can't wait to hear her." 

Jim was saved from further comment by the band arriving on stage. He looked over and saw a group of four men and one woman, all dressed like a band of refugee's from a mutated grunge convention. The girl wasn't bad. Looked to be about twenty-one with short red hair, with purple lipstick on. She smiled and waved to the crowd of noisy patrons. 

"Hey! How y'all doin tonight?" she asked with slow Southern drawl. "My name is Raina and these goofballs are my band. Well, actually they are just a group of guys that happen to make me sound better then average. But don't let them get to cocky about it, a'ight? This is my first public appearance, so be kind." She laughed a bit nervously. "Okay this first song is an oldie, from Roberta Flack that my momma used to play in the car every Sunday evening on the way home from church. I know, I know. Momma always was a bit unconventional." 

She stepped back a few steps and let her bandmates begin the song. She raised her hand to hold the mic and began to sing in a clear, low voice. 

//I heard he sang a good song  
I heard he had a style  
And so I came to see him  
To listen for a while  
And there he was this young boy  
A stranger to my eyes//

Jim glanced over at Blair who was listening to her as though he were  
already in a trance. Jim couldn't help but think that this song fit.  
Somehow. And what was with this feeling he had? All of a sudden it felt  
as though this was a story of his life. He couldn't figure it out.

//Strumming my pain with his fingers  
Singing my life with his words  
Killing me softly with his song  
Killing me softly with his song  
Telling my whole life with his words  
Killing me softly with his song//

Jim felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He had heard this song  
before and it had never had this effect on him. He got it now. It was  
Blair. This was how he felt when he looked, really looked at his Guide.  
What the hell did this mean?

//I felt all flushed with fever   
Embarrassed by the crowd   
I felt he found my letters   
And read each one out loud   
I prayed that he would finish   
But he just kept right on// 

Blair never let him get away with much. Not a whole lot of denial allowed  
whenever he was around. Oh sure, it was never for a lack of trying on  
Jim's part. But eventually Blair managed to coax the whole story out  
of him. Occasionally, Jim wished for his Pre-Blair life back, when he  
could just ignore all the unpleasant things in him life. And then he  
realized how alone he had been. That this unbelievably ornery, and frequently  
annoying, neo-hippie witch doctor punk had somehow brought some meaning  
into his life. And, yes, he had brought happiness too.

//Strumming my pain with his fingers   
Singing my life with his words   
Killing me softly with his song   
Killing me softly with his song   
Telling my whole life with his words   
Killing me softly with his song// 

* * *

Blair was amazed. He hadn't known that Raina was that good. And the song was beautiful. He over at Jim, who seemed to be staring at him from under hooded lids. Blair waved a hand in front of Jim's face. 

"Hey Jim? Earth to Jim?" No response. Blair felt his stress levels rise just a bit. Zone? "Jim. Hey come on, big guy. This is so not the place for this." 

"Relax, Sandburg. I was just thinking." 

"Well do me a favor, next time you want to search for the meaning of life, at least answer a guy when he's talking to you." 

"Sorry about that, Chief. Guess I kind of got lost in that song." 

Blair looked at his partner speculatively. Maybe Jim was just enjoying the music. Blair couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more. He stared harder at Jim, trying to fathom the older man's thoughts. Seeing nothing he could put his finger on, he gave up. For now. 

"Yeah, isn't she great. I had no idea she was this good. And that song. It sent shivers up my spine. I wonder why she picked that song. Maybe someone she knew." 

"Maybe." 

"Jim, are you sure you are okay?" the Guide's voice had the barest hint of concern. 

Jim smiled at Blair. "I'm fine, Chief. Now be quiet so we can listen to the rest of the set." 

* * *

Blair couldn't help but fidget the whole way home. Something was up. Jim hadn't said more then two words to him the entire way home. And he kept looking at him strangely. Not that Blair minded the attention. He just wished that if Jim was going to be staring at him that he not do it as though Blair might have a wad of spinach stuck in his teeth. He shrugged to himself. He had come to realize that there were just some things that he couldn't reach Jim on. Obviously this was one of those things. 

They finally arrived at the loft and Blair jumped out of the truck. This was getting just to weird for him. He hated when he felt like he couldn't reach his partner. 

They rode the elevator in silence. Blair was dying. Or at least he thought so. This not knowing what was going on was making him a bit nuts. The doors opened and they walked towards the front door, with Blair digging out his keys. 

Jim stood behind him, watching. He had been doing that for the past two hours. And he knew that it was getting on his Guide's nerves, but he couldn't help it. He was beginning to realize some fundamental truths in his life, the majority of which were centered around Blair. Realizing these truths didn't make his life any easier and he wondered how long he would be able to hold off his friend's questioning. 

It turned out to be about half an hour. Blair had excused himself to take a shower and change. Jim used the time to get a beer out of the fridge and stand out on the balcony to collect his random thoughts. Somewhere along the line, he had fallen in love with his partner. Didn't know how, didn't really care at this point. The fact that he had was strange concept for him to deal with. He had always thought that he was a "Man." A big, bad cop. Certainly not the kind of guy who falls head over heels in love with his very male partner/roommate. But the fact that he had, meant that Jim wasn't what Carolyn had said he was. Cold, unfeeling. He was capable of love. It just hadn't been with her. He had an idea of what the ramifications would be if he told Blair what he felt. And on the off chance that Blair returned the feelings, what they would have to go through at work and in life in general. Would it be worth it? He sighed. That was a no-brainer. Of course it would be worth it. If Blair returned his feelings. And if he didn't. Jim just hoped that Blair would still be able to accept Jim as his friend. 

He didn't hear Blair get out of the shower. Or get dressed. Or walk out to join him on the balcony. He did, however, hear him once he started to talk nonstop at Jim. 

"Okay this is it. Either you tell me what is going on here or I'll well I don't know. I can't believe this. We go and spend what I thought was an enjoyable evening and then you pull this strong silent crap on me and won't tell me what is going on. Dammit Jim, I am supposed to be your friend. And your Guide. How the hell am I supposed to help you if you won't let me in on what is going on?" 

Jim tried not to smile at his exasperated partner. "Calm down, Sandburg. There is nothing going on. Nothing is wrong. I've just been thinking about some things." 

"What things?" 

Jim sighed. He knew that he had to tell him. And face the consequences. "About us." 

"Us?" 

"I realized tonight that Carolyn was wrong about me." 

"Jim, come on. Carolyn was wrong about a lot of things. This shouldn't be news to you." 

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chief. But what I meant was she was wrong when she told me that I was incapable of loving anyone." He looked over at Blair to see his reaction. For a split second he thought he saw a look of pain settle behind the blue eyes. But then it was gone. 

"You think you have found Ms. Right?" Blair asked, keeping his voice as neutral as he could. 

"Not exactly. It's not Ms. Right. It's Mr. Right." 

"What?" Blair looked as thought he had just been banged upside the head with a cast iron skillet. 

"I realized tonight that I am in love. I don't know how or why or when." 

Blair couldn't hear anything else. Jim was in love. With a guy. But not him. He never got the courage to tell him how he felt and now it was too late. 

Jim shook his shoulder. "Chief?" 

"Hmm? I'm sorry Jim. I didn't hear what you were saying." 

"I said that somewhere along the line I fell hard for this wonderful, endearing, annoying, sexy, beautiful, intelligent grad student who managed to turn a week stay into a three year partnership and gave my life away from the office some meaning." 

Blair nodded silently, the words not registering. Then they did. "What? What did you say?" 

"I'm trying to tell you that I love you, Chief. That I am in love with you. You don't seem to be all that interested in hearing this. If I have upset you, I'm..." 

Blair quickly placed a finger over Jim's lips. "Two things, Ellison. One, I love you too, so quit with this attempt at an apology. Two, if you don't get over here and kiss me, I will have no other choice but to throw you off this damn balcony. Got it?" 

"Got it." Jim leaned in and cupped Blair's face with his hands. He knew that if he were dreaming, that this was the dream to end all and he could very well die a fairly happy man. Blair had said that he loved him. He bent down and touched Blair's lips with his own. And for the slimmest shred of time, the world stopped, tilted, and then resumed spinning. And he went along for the ride, tasting his partners lips. In the back of his mind a voice marveled at the fact that there must be a God somewhere and miracles of miracle, he was in a good mood. 

After they both came up for air, Jim looked over at Blair and smiled. 

"You really think you can get me over the top of this balcony, eh Chief?" 

"Sweetheart, properly motivated, I can make the earth stop spinning." 

"Sweetheart? I think I can handle that one. You know what else? You already did." 

//He sang as if he knew me  
In all my dark despair  
And then he looked right through me  
As if I wasn't there  
But he was there this stranger  
Singing clear and strong  
Strumming my pain with his fingers  
Singing my life with his words  
Killing me softly with his song  
Killing me softly with his song  
Telling my whole life with his words  
Killing me softly with his song//

End 


End file.
